Oh boy … I know it’s been awhile and I really wanted to get this blog up and running – really, I do – and when I lay in bed at night I think of all the stuff I want to talk about in ‘my blog’ but then I get up and I get nervous to because so much of me depends on so much of others and I get scared I might make someone mad if I post this shit on the internet. So yes, my codependency has flared up once again … it’s been years since I’ve seen it, but it’s back with a vengeance and I’m struggling through it – I even took out my Melody Beattie books (they still sit unopened on my dresser).
But this week has been so difficult mentally and it’s taken every ounce of energy just to sit here and type. The first thing “healthy” people will ask is ‘oh why what happened’ … the answer to those who just don’t understand .. NOTHING … nothing happened … there’s no particular reason why I’m ‘sad’ today … I just sit here and tears come out of my eyes … I don’t know why I have no reason … they just do. I can sit here and try to figure it out: like last night I had an argument with Alyssa because she is leaving for a 3 month adventure and I’m going to miss her – but she just doesn’t get it yet – I ask her questions about the trip and remind her of stuff to do but she sees this as me “telling her what to do” .. no, it’s just me wanting to learn more about the trip … it’s me trying to just have a conversation with her – that’s all.
Then I get up and my ex husband is sending me this really in my face text message – mad at me for some stupid reason like someone shit in his cornflakes this morning. He never used to talk to me like that. I think maybe that just pushed me over the edge a bit today – he was suppose to chip in and help Ashley fix her car but when I asked him today if he was still helping I got shit on …
And I haven’t even SEEN Ashley in almost a week … so I guess me sitting here thinking about the kids getting older and not needing me anymore … I tear up … I want my babies back – the ones who needed me – I want my somewhat healthy body back – not these aches and pains … I’m struggling with getting older I guess … I really don’t know what I’m struggling with but as I write that sentence I read it through tear filled eyes, so maybe that’s my answer. Who knows.
What I do know is this … it’s okay to struggle with depression .. what you do with it is up to you … back in 2010 the doctor put me on anti-depressants because of the continuous tears that I believe were caused by the repetitive strain injury I was succumbed to while working – I ended up leaving that job. I stayed on the antis for a few months and went off them within 6 months I guess. I was feeling much better in my “new place” – I had just finished a good gig at Stream and was about to enter into the world of taxes … lol .. H&R block appeared at my doorstep so I opened that door.
Things were going great … and in May 2015 I’d find myself struggling with the tears again … UGH … I could give so many reasons why … Alyssa was in Halifax and Ashley was in Ontario (she moved Feb 2015) and I struggled with that the hardest I guess. I asked the doctor to give me my pills back .. he asked if this was my first relapse and it was .. he asked me why – I figured it was me and the empty nesting thing. It was that and my job – it sucked the life out of me – I quit that and guess what, back to H&R block for the season – guess I’m just in my happy place there … so I came off my pills in Feb 2016 … I was looking forward to the summer off, spending time with the kids (they both moved back to Sydney), and relaxing. I think I discovered that relaxing isn’t my strong point … it gives me WAY too much time to think … and I get so lonely … John’s working late all week so I’m here pretty much alone until 7:30pm.
Today I turned to Ashley .. why .. because she also struggles with depression so I knew she’d understand my random tears and there are no answers to ‘why’ so there’d be no questions – they just happen. She was at work so I texted her – after her shift, she brought me a plate of supper, gave me a big hug and sat with me and had some conversation. I did feel much better after she left.
You know, we need to talk more about mental health … depression .. anxiety .. suicide … all of that … and NO, I never get to the suicide stage (thankfully) because I know these episodes I do have will go away – I just have to fight with myself until they pass … let out the tears … and talk … is it bad that I talk to my child about it .. absolutely NOT .. she needs to know it’s okay and even her mother struggles sometimes – I’m not always perfect and I do not always have the answers – but I’m okay.