It’s Friday night. I’m sitting here alone on my bed, the dogs are settled in. I’m very lonely the last couple of days – John headed out west with his father and nephew and I have never felt so lost in my life. I honestly didn’t think it would effect me like this. My stomach hurts and I feel somewhat empty. Although I do most of the disciplining and stuff, it never really occurred to me that I really need John here as backup. I have no one to tell stuff to, no one to bounce off ideas to, and no one to tell what kind of day I had. This sucks.
Colton is quite lonely without his father as well. His first reaction was, “what am I gonna do for two weeks without dad?”. My reply was, “same thing you do when dad is here” … sleep most of the day, hang out with his friends at night, and come home before curfew. After thinking about it, two weeks IS way too long to be without him. They haven’t even reached their destination yet.
John’s going to miss Father’s Day, grading day and Allison’s graduation. I’m glad that he’s getting away, but the timing was way off. There are so many ‘kid things’ going on so I’m left to play mom and dad. Colton’s been doing pretty good though. He had some of his friends here yesterday and they hung out on the deck, bbqued and actually cleaned up after ward! I was pleased. They slept in the camper the night before and cleaned it up when they were done. Impressive.
So, it’s Father’s Day weekend. I’m not sure what I want to say about that. Dad and I never had a very smooth road. He drank until I turned sixteen and it wasn’t a happy drunk either. It was far from happy. I dealt with a lot of anger and guilt up until about thirteen years ago. It was a long road to the realization that I had no control over what he did and it wasn’t my fault. He was sick. The scars are minimal now and I learned the fine art of forgiveness. It was by no means an easy road, but I drove it. I find it extremely difficult to pick out the right Father’s Day card for my father. For some reason, I always gravitate toward getting him the funny ones. The sentimental cards just don’t seem to fit with our relationship. I never looked up to him, I never spent time with him, I never formed that father/daughter bond like girls do with their dads.
I will pick out a card tomorrow, buy him some scratch tickets and go for a visit. We’ll talk about John and his trip, the kids and how they’re doing in school, and whether I’m working or not. Yes, he cares and is concerned about me and my sisters … a few years late … but I think he’s trying. The girls will go visit their dad for the day and when I’m done babysitting, I’ll see if Colton wants to hang out – maybe we’ll go for a ‘Father’s Day’ lunch or something. Since he doesn’t have a very good relationship with his mother’s boyfriend, I’m sure he won’t be going to visit. It’s a shame really, but I think Colton is on the same road I was on the first thirty-two years of my life … I’m just glad to see that he’s found other avenues and paths to turn down – he just needs to make the choice to turn on his signal light and make the turn …