Saving the World – one broken soul at a time

I think it’s going to be one of those blogs where I’m not really sure I know what I want to talk about.  We have Tim this weekend because his mother was going someplace last night and since John’s going away next week for a couple of weeks, we doubled up on our weekends.  So Tim won’t be visiting again until the end of the month, when John returns.  They are sleeping outside in the camper tonight.  Tim loves spending time with his dad and visa versa.  Colton and I will sleep indoors, we’re not that crazy … it’s freezing out!  The girls are spending the night at their father’s.  Allison will head over there after she gets off work – which should be soon (upon proofreading she returned home and went to her dad’s – she’s safe and sound now).  I will lock up and tuck myself into bed.  Tonight will be a good night for sleep because I won’t be woken up by snoring or the odd arm falling on top of me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having John sleeping next to me every night but I’m starting to understand why some “older” couples chose to sleep in separate rooms.  I never did understand that about my parents.  I had myself convinced that once I found a suitable bed mate, I’d never let him sleep alone.  I’m eating my words now!

I will go to bed with the usual worries – kids and money – but once I drain all my thoughts, I’ll doze off into a restful sleep.

It was a busy day around here.  The boys got the yard mowed and it looks great.  I even told Colton to clean his room .. and he DID!  He also put all of his laundry over by the washer to have done.  He pained the railings on the step for his father and cleaned up when he was finished.  He seemed very much at peace today.  He had a session yesterday with his counselor and a psychiatrist who was also in attendance. They brought him in to deal with Colton’s so called “sleep problems” and potential ADHD.  I don’t believe he has either and after speaking to the psychiatrist, neither did he!  Colton gets more sleep than I do – it’s just that he finds it hard to get to sleep and will often remain awake for hours.  This is why he uses marijuana.  He says it ‘relaxes’ him so he can sleep.  My thoughts were, it’s relieving his emotions so he doesn’t have to feel them so he can sleep.  I have been trying to explain this to both his mother and father.  His mother wanted a ‘quick fix’ and figured a pill would do the trick – I was totally against giving him medication to alter his moods since he’s already doing that on his own!  They just don’t get it.  The same with my parents – they couldn’t understand why I was overweight.  Food just made me feel better – I didn’t have to feel any feelings when I was eating.  They didn’t get it either.

As the psychiatrist spoke I could relate to everything he was saying to Colton.  He asked him if he feels anxious when he anticipates something bad might happen.  And his answer was yes.  I get on edge like that too and the psychiatrist summed it up so brilliantly.  Because Colton grew up in a not so happy home – there was probably fighting, and things weren’t pleasant to be around that he now gets anxious when he believes things could be unsettling.  He certainly hit the nail on the head!  Just the other day, John went down into Colton’s room to do some work on the new walls and he found some drug paraphernalia and proceeded to throw it out.  I knew Colton probably wasn’t going to be too happy about this so before he came home I looked for every excuse possible to leave the house – I didn’t want to hear the fighting or the yelling – I knew that scenario all too well.  My anxiety level was at it’s peak … much the same way it used to be when I was a child.  (I overreacted because I was home when Colton returned to discover his stuff missing – he took the actions quite well, actually).

At the end of our session, it turns out the psychiatrist doesn’t believe Colton has ADHD nor does he have a sleeping problem … he sleeps quite well … and actually, the psychiatrist told him he was expecting this out-of-control thug to walk in .. and instead he got this very respectful, kind, warm hearted teenager who really doesn’t have anything wrong with him at all except for a little bit of anxiety and weed problem – he told him he thinks he’s a great young man!  I told them that’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone!  He’s not out of control – he just needs some better guidance and some open conversation with someone he trusts.  He found her.

There was a lot of turmoil in Colton’s preteen years – and maybe even before – the last 5 years of his parents’ marriage was rocky.  There was a lot of fighting, infidelity, absences and it wasn’t a happy place.  Colton has internalized it all and now it’s time he let it go (he has seen and heard a lot and I think it’s time he allowed it to surface and make peace with his past).  I think it’s going to take a lot of hard work for him to do that.  He told me today that he feels anxious when he speaks to his mother on the phone (and she calls a lot) – he just wants the conversation to be over and he doesn’t know why.  I told him, some day, if he continues the dialogue with his counselor and he’s open with her, he’ll figure it out.  He looked at me and said, “yeah, I know”. Maybe I’ll start that conversation with him – probably even the week his father is away.  He seems to trust me.

As I was sitting in my room later on in the day, he came to me and told me that he’s taking his girlfriend – Tanya – you know, the one who smacked him around the other night, to his counselor with him.  That is SO typical of me too – trying to save the world, one broken person at a time.  I told him that I know his heart is in the right spot, but unless she’s ready to change with him, it’s not going to go as he plans it to.  He said he is at the point where he doesn’t care if it works or not, he won’t rest until he knows he at least tried – he’s very optimistic, but, unfortunately, I don’t share his optimism.  Odd, I had a boyfriend like that one time … I thought I could save him from himself and he nearly killed me.  I suppose all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch someone like myself do the exactly same things I did and think to myself, ‘what the hell were you thinking?’

Whatever made me think I could save someone who was so broken when I was the one who needed mending?  I needed someone to rescue me, but I was too busy rescuing other people.  I was so busy rescuing and saving other people from their broken selves, I forgot about me.  I can’t let Colton forget about himself.  So the rescuing begins again …

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