Emotional Mess

Wow – I really wanted to be able to come to my blog every evening as I sit in my bed next to John, while he watches his tv shows.  Honestly, I was here Sunday night, laptop on my lap open to this very page – and nothing – I had nothing.  I have a million things to talk about and my head is spinning because I don’t know what to start with, but Sunday night, I was blank.

I had a great Mother’s Day, but my heart and my mind kept wandering back to those two boys we lost over the weekend to that horrible car crash.  I can’t help it.  Whenever I drive by the accident site and see young kids placing flowers, or kneeling down saying a prayer, my eyes get all watery, my throat gets sore, and I can’t even speak to anyone in the car.  Do you want to know what’s even crazier – I didn’t even KNOW these boys.  Why is this effecting me so much?  My heart aches for their mother’s … my God, if that was any of my kids I think I’d wonder why God just didn’t take me too.

I opened Facebook Sunday and I was astounded at how some “adults” were reacting to this horrific accident.  Who cares how it happened or what the boys were doing prior to this – they didn’t deserve this.  No one deserves this.  How in the name of God am I going to hold myself together for the service?  I have to go – I have to take Amy (my 15 yr old) and I’m trying to talk Colton into going as well.  They knew the boys – more-so the 17 year old – plus John works for the boys’ uncle.  I can barely keep it together when I drive by the site or read the news paper.  The obituary for the 15 year old was in today’s news paper and I cried.

I can’t even ask God to give me strength because I’m a little bit peeved at Him.  Children should never leave here before their parents – that’s suppose to be a universal rule – God doesn’t seem to follow that one.  Does anyone else question their faith when needless stuff like this happens or is it just me??

I allowed Amy to stay home from school yesterday because I knew the minute someone mentioned those boys she’d fall apart.  If I could strap her to my waist and never let her go, I would do that too, but eventually she has to fall back into her own life.  She reluctantly went to school today only for me to receive a text message that she doesn’t want to be there.  She never wants to be there.  She’s counting 22 days left until it’s over.  Grade 10 will be done.  It wasn’t a good school year – but that’s another post I’ll save for another day.  I know she’s upset about those boys because she has a HUGE heart and she’s hypersensitive like her mother.  I would like her to also accept the fact that it’s okay for people to see your feelings.  If she’s sad then she should cry, laugh when she is happy, and stomp her feet when she’s angry.  I certainly get the stomping of the feet and I really miss the laughing.

I’m here alone for just another few minutes and then the girls will be home from school.  Colton is gone out to his friend and Allison will be heading off to work for tonight.  Amy and I will spend yet another evening together going to a school function – sports awards.  I hope she gets one.  Either way, it’s going to be yet another emotional night.

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